Monthly Jokes:

One Sabbath morning, the Head Elder and the Head Deacon both arrived at church very early. They both got out of their cars, greeted each other “Deacon!…Elder!” and began to walk in to open up the church before the rest of the members got there. The Head Elder notices that the Head Deacon is driving a fancy car this Sabbath…one that he’s never seen before. The Head Elder says, “Hey, that’s a beautiful car. I’ve never seen it before. If it wasn’t the Sabbath, I would ask you if you were selling it.” Head Deacon looks around then answers the Head Elder, “If it wasn’t the Sabbath, I’d tell you that it is for sale.” Head Elder stops walking, looks around, then says to the Head Deacon, “Well, not that I’m serious or anything, but if it wasn’t the Sabbath, I’d ask you how much you want for it?” Head Deacon stops walking too, looks around, then replies to the Head Elder, “Certainly. Not that I really mean it either, but if it wasn’t the Sabbath, I’d probably tell you I want $5000 for it.” The Head Elder pulls his handkerchief out of his suit pocket and wipes his forehead, then says, “We can talk about this later, but if it wasn’t the Sabbath then I’d shake your hand, tell you that it sounds like a deal to me, and I’ll drop by tomorrow evening to pick it up!” So, they both looked around, shook hands, then went on into church.

A new couple, who has been dating for several years, finally decides to get married. On their wedding night, right before they attempt to consummate their marriage, the wife says fearfully, "Wait a second honey! Do you hear that? Go check the hotel room door and make sure it's locked. I promise I hear somebody trying to break in!" The husband lovingly says, "Okay dear." He goes to check it and finds nothing. He also checks the windows and finds nothing. Now, he's ready to get back to bed, but by the time he make it back, he finds his new wife in a deep sleep. He decides not to bother her, so he goes to sleep and looks forward to the next night. Unfortunately, the same thing happens again that night, then the next, then the next. Each night his wife swears that she hears someone trying to break into their hotel room. Well, he never gets to consummate the marriage during their honeymoon, but he's not discouraged. The husband thinks to himself, "She was just a little nervous being away from our new home. Once we get home, things will be different and she'll be able to relax." Unfortunately, the same problem occurs every single night. 1 year turns around and they still never consummated their marriage, not even on their 1 year anniversary! Now, the husband is frustrated and chronically fatigued because every night, before he falls asleep completely, his wife asks him to run downstairs and check the doors and windows because she hears someone. Every night, he lovingly says, "okay dear" and does his duties of inspecting the house. Their 2nd year anniversary arrives and, yep, you guessed it...still no consummation. Instead, his wife says, "Wait a second honey! Do you hear that? Go check downstairs. I promise I hear somebody trying to break in!" He furiously says, "Okay dear." He walks downstairs, checks all the doors and windows...all clear as usual. As he turns around to walk back upstairs, he finds himself staring down the barrel of a gun and looking directly into the eyes of a masked burglar. The burglar says, "Be quiet. I've come for all your electronics. They're already loaded up in the van outside. Just slowly give me your wallet and I'll be on my way. You'd better not try to call the cops either." The husband sighs then calmly hands over the wallet and replies, "I have no problem with that. I just have one request." The burglar pauses for a second, then says, "Sure. What is it?" The husband politely says, "Before you go, will you please come upstairs with me? My wife would never believe me. She would REALLY like to meet you!"